A humorous translation guide to tuba sales

[Diego A. Stine]

This seemed to do well on the Facebook side of things, so I thought I'd share it here. It's all intended to be lighthearted, no offense meant :)

"Looking to downsize my collection"- my wife said there's too many tubas in the house

"Selling because I prefer piston F tubas"- rotors are hard

"Usual rotor F tuba quirks"- challenging intonation

"Some alternate fingerings required"- a lot of alternate fingerings required

"Not the best fit for me"- my teacher said no

"Former school instrument"- beat to hell and back

"Looking to upgrade to an Eastman 836"- you probably don't need anything that big, your teacher is likely an Eastman artist

"Selling my 2 year old Eastman 836.."- I told you so

"This horn will give you what you put into it."- this horn takes a ton of effort but sounds really good

"Added a main tuning slide kicker"- TERRIBLE intonation

"Plays like an old tuba"- this horn sucks

"A good project horn"- steer clear unless you want to put in tons of $ for mediocre results

"Needs a cleaning"- I haven't cleaned it in years

"Great valve action"- the moving parts move, also known as the bare minimum

“Price is firm”- I’m trying to get back what I paid for the horn

"Clearing the herd of mouthpieces"- I need quick cash

[DonO.]

“Has a few dents that do not effect the sound” = beat to hell.

“Has the usual dings, dents, scuffs, and scratches that can be expected on a used tuba” = beat to hell.

“Not cosmetically perfect but this horn is a player!” = beat to hell.

So many different ways of saying “beat to hell”!

[bloke]

"Formerly owned by [tuba supa-stahh]" (who sold it, because they didn't like it).

[bort2.0]

"Works best with heavy valve oil" = needs a valve job

[LeMark]

I can think of a lot of brand new tubas with terrible valve action

[Casca Grossa]

“This tuba is the best picked out of a batch of 15. I’m selling because my playing needs have changed.” - My professor endorses this particular 6/4 model tuba that I can no longer justify owning. My performance degree got me a job as a shift manager at a convenience store. I have a kid on the way and only play in a community band that has a tuba section with eight players. Six of those players also have performance degrees and have sold the best horn they have ever played because their playing needs have changed.

[bort2.0]

"One of the good ones" = there are a lot of bad ones

[bort2.0]

PS -- fully admitting I've said a bunch of these things before.

BUT, sometimes these things are just true at face value and nothing more. You know how it goes today though, whoever yells "gaslighting" first is the one that's right!

[bloke]

None of this applies to me anymore, because - now that I have B-flat tubas - no one's going to buy them from Mrs bloke after I croak, no matter what I may have told her to say about them in ads.

(After all, B-flat tubas are for amateurs. Just ask the Europeans.)

[arpthark]

None of this applies to me anymore, because now that I have B flat tubas, no one's going to buy them from Mrs bloke after I croak, no matter what I may have told her to about them in ads.

You should be sure to just cut them to C before you die (or leave detailed instructions, maybe in your will) and you'll be all set.

[MikeS]

None of this applies to me anymore, because - now that I have B-flat tubas - no one's going to buy them from Mrs bloke after I croak, no matter what I may have told her to say about them in ads.

(After all, B-flat tubas are for amateurs. Just ask the Europeans.)

But they are C tubas. She just needs to explain that they are being sold with the A=392 slide.

[Mary Ann]

Since BBbs are for amateurs, I guess I better also get a CC. Maybe a Moldau. After all, it's not a stable unless it has at least four tubas in it. Oh, and one of those Eastman 6-valve Symphonie copies, so I have all four keys. Yes, that's the ticket!! Who needs a new car anyway?

[bloke]

Since BBbs are for amateurs, I guess I better also get a CC. Maybe a Moldau. After all, it's not a stable unless it has at least four tubas in it. Oh, and one of those Eastman 6-valve Symphonie copies, so I have all four keys. Yes, that's the ticket!! Who needs a new car anyway?

I have just the thing for you.
This is a C tuba, and it's a bit magical...
Mash 1 and 3 and you get a C, well...sort-of.

(Also, please note the S-O-T-A ducting®.)

[Mary Ann]

What's funny is that my 183 has some pretty significant dents in it, and other than less than stellar intonation, it sounds good and plays fine. If there is an iffy venue, that's the one I take.

[bloke]

As a reply to a private discussion, I have no idea whether I would prefer 282 or 494...as I've not played a 494...yet.

I personally have no need for either, and even (as both likely are) the cats' meows of "that" size range of contrabass tuba.

I'm (sorta) spoiled, as all of my instruments either offer an exceptionally good "fake" double-low range, a 5th valve, or both - and neither of those (likely) features either.

(Brass quintet music - more-and-more often - features double-low E-flats and D's...including "lite" fare.)